SAN DIEGO, CA — California officials announced Tuesday that the state budget has been fully balanced after a 24-hour CHP speeding crackdown revealed that every driver on Interstate 5 was technically going fast enough to fund several public programs.
The statewide Maximum Enforcement Period, originally intended to reduce dangerous speeding, reportedly became a fiscal breakthrough within minutes of officers setting up near Mission Bay.
“By 6:14 a.m., we realized we had accidentally solved several long-term revenue issues,” said one imaginary state budget analyst, staring at a spreadsheet that simply read “I-5: unlimited money.” “Every Civic, Tacoma, Tesla, Sprinter van, and mysteriously confident Nissan Altima was going at least 11 over. At that point, this became less of a traffic operation and more of a municipal bond strategy.”
CHP officials said they were especially impressed by San Diego drivers’ commitment to treating the posted speed limit as a loose suggestion written for tourists, moving trucks, and people still merging from SeaWorld Drive.
By noon, the state had reportedly collected enough theoretical citation revenue to cover road repairs, wildfire prevention, and one preliminary environmental review for a future bathroom in Ocean Beach.
At press time, state officials were considering a second enforcement period on the 805, which analysts believe could fund the high-speed rail that has been famously been behind budget.
